Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
