Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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