sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
