Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
