Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
