So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
