omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
