She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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