The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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