Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
