she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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