I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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