I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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