My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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