There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
