3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
