Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
