Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
