I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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