I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
