chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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