Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
