I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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