Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize