I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
