I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
