shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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