Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize