Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
