i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
