hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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