I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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