It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
