when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
