I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
