Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
