captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
