I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
