First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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