wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just cut my nipple shaving
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
