I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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