Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
