that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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