For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We were destined to go to rehab together
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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