he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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