She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
