I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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