I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
