Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
