you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
