I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
