I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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