I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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