Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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