I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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